


I Don't Want To Be Here

by IAmAPlantIAm



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, Developing Relationship, Eating Disorders, Eremin - Freeform, M/M, Psych Ward, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, healing process, relationship difficulties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-22 12:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3728821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IAmAPlantIAm/pseuds/IAmAPlantIAm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Armin wakes up in hospital to a concerned Eren he feels anything but glad. Deep in the throws of depression Armin yet again attempts to kill himself only to be stopped once again. This is the story of the long and bumpy road to recovery that Armin has to go down that not only affects himself but the people he is closest to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts as well as lots of other issues surrounding depression, just another warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I understand that I basically abandoned this fic, however upon reading it, I've decided to continue it. However, I'm going to be rewriting the first three chapters before posting any new content because I'm not really happy with the quality. So please bear with me while I go through this process, thank you for reading and apologies for the extended absence

As Armin stirred he was hit with a feeling of peace, a dazzling white light blinding him for a few seconds before his eyes managed to make out the light fixture above him. A light fixture, a white ceiling and the stench of high-grade disinfectant; that meant one thing, he had failed. His chest tightened as the peaceful feeling quickly drained from him, despite the hazy feeling that was filling his head. As he managed to drag himself out of his daze he could feel a weight pinning his hand against the starchy sheets, more prominent was the painful throbbing that was radiating from his chest and head. As he reached up his hand to pull what he guessed was an oxygen mask from his face his hand was restricted by wires coming in and out of the back of his hand, his movement was further restricted by his tightly bandaged wrists. He hurt all over, it hurt to even breathe. He closed his eyes, trying to let the peaceful feeling wash over him again, but the pain was too overwhelming.  
The last thing he could remember was the water running over him, the blood flowing from him and the serenity he finally felt. The shift of weight as the water moved from on his chest to inside of it, the way the light had changed to red before disappearing completely, the peace of it all.  
As the series of events that led him up to this moment came flooding back to him the further realisation of his failure added to the ache in his chest and made him feel sick to his stomach, as the beginnings of tears prickled in his eyes. He couldn’t do anything right, he couldn’t even kill himself without messing it up. He really was useless. The warm pressure on his hand lifted without his notice and the side of the bed moved as weight lifted from it.  
“Armin?” A familiar voice, heavy with sleep yet filled with relief pulled Armin from his daze.  
“Armin, thank god…” Eren’s eyes prickled with tears as the blond turned his head. He couldn’t bear to watch. He wasn’t supposed to be here, he was supposed to be dead. He wanted to be dead. He didn’t want anything else, he wanted the darkness, the silence, the serenity. He heard the door open and shut before he looked back towards the chair that had been pulled to the side of the bed, he took a quick look at himself, a few seconds, he was a mess of wires and bandages.  
In the brief moment Eren had left the room to fetch a nurse Armin was already using what little strength he had to remove the mask from his face and push himself up. He was in the process of starting to pull the wires from his arm as the nurse entered, closely followed by Eren. The nurse was quick to grab his hands before he could do any more damage to himself. She reattached the wires before laying him back down. As Armin attempted to swat the nurse away hot tears dripped from his eyes, running down to the top of the hospital gown, as he let out a sob that caused his chest to burn the nurse tried to calm him with soft words and instructions to “breathe deeply”, though the tone of her voice was just making the situation worse. Eren, who had been stood in the doorway in disbelief finally came into the room and wordlessly wrapped his arms around him, much to the nurse’s dismay. Armin pressed his tear soaked face into his shoulder, his tears soaking through the fabric and leaving a dark stain. After a few tests and Eren’s steadfast hold on the boy the nurse left to attend to some other patients.  
For several minutes the room was quiet with just the beeping of the monitors and Armin’s sniffles to be heard. There were so many questions Eren wanted to ask, ‘Why’ being the main one, but he knew Armin too well, now wouldn’t be a good time, he doubted that there would ever be a good time but the time to ask wasn’t now. As the silent embrace continued Armin’s tears came to a stop. A further few minutes passed before a quiet and raspy voice broke the silence.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Although he wasn’t exactly sure who he was apologising to, or even the exact reason, but Armin had to say something to break the hold. He felt undeserving of the affection he was receiving. He was a failure, useless, and Eren shouldn’t be wasting his attention on someone so undeserving. Eren pulled back at the words, taking in Armin’s sullen face.  
“Don’t apologize.” He replied in a quiet voice, placing a hand on Armin’s clammy cheek. “Just stay quiet, we can talk later okay?” He told him with a small smile that was met with diverted eyes. Armin was glad for the excuse to stay quiet, talking was the last thing he wanted to do. At this point he wouldn’t have even cared if he could never speak again, in this moment he didn’t feel as though he would ever care for anything again. He would just have to wait; he didn’t want this, any of it, not the care, not the attention. With every second that passed Armin felt worse, the voice in his head growing louder, it was a wonder that Eren couldn’t hear it.

The atmosphere was heavy until it was time for the nurses to change over. The nurse that had attended to Armin earlier came in to tell Eren that visiting times were over. It was a usual occurrence, all he had to do was wait ten or so minutes, the usual night nurses had been so far very understanding, and allowed an exception for Eren and Mikasa. Usually it was only immediate family past visiting hours. Eren always felt uneasy about leaving Armin alone in that room, however something felt different tonight he could felt as though something was wrong, he tried to calm himself by saying that it would just be for a few minutes. It wouldn’t be until Mikasa had made her appearance in the car park and they had made their way back up to Armin’s room would Eren realise that his feeling was justified. After making their way back up to the ward they entered Armin’s room to find it empty, the heart monitor had been unplugged at the wall, preventing it from alerting anyone to the blond’s absence. As they made their separate ways, Eren finding a nurse, Mikasa on the hunt, Armin was making his way up to the roof, unbeknownst of the upset he was causing. He was focused on one thing and one thing only. As he made his way to the edge of the roof he couldn’t feel the cold biting at his skin or the ice-cold rain soaking through his hospital gown.  
Mikasa quickly made her way up to the roof, only moments behind the other. She hoped she was right about Armin’s whereabouts, and if she was that she wasn’t too late. As Armin stepped up onto the cold stone lip of the roof his hand was taken by a tearful Mikasa. The sight of the girl in tears took him back a little; he’d only once seen the girl cry, and that had been several years ago.  
“Please Armin; you don’t have to do this.” As the words left her mouth Eren burst onto the roof only to stop in his tracks he was closely followed by a doctor and several nurses who immediately went to Mikasa’s side. “Just get down. Please.” She asked in a voice scarcely above a whisper, she wasn’t about to lose him, she couldn’t lose him. She only had Armin and Eren left. The people that had gathered on the roof held a collective breath; her voice couldn’t have sounded more desperate. “Please.” It wasn’t enough to snap Armin out of his desperation though; he was grabbed by more hands as he attempted to pitch himself over the edge. Eren couldn’t believe what he was seeing; it broke his heart to see him like this.  
It was then that Armin felt the chill of the November night air wash over him. Eren made his way over as Armin was pulled down wrapping his arms around himself; he was more hopeless than he thought. He crumpled into a ball on the cold, wet ground, his tears mixing with the rain. Even once in the warm embrace of Eren’s coat Armin couldn’t stop the shaking, it was just the cold, everything that was happening around him felt like a blur, like it was happening to someone else. Eren’s face was pressed against his shoulder, his arms firmly situated around the shaking boy; Mikasa’s hand was firmly around his own as she leaned against him her head resting on his other shoulder. However even when he was surrounding by the embrace of the two people who cared most about him the voice wouldn’t go away. The only sounds that could be heard were the frantic whispering of the doctor and nurses.

 

* * *

  
Once Armin was safely situated back in his bed and was asleep with the help of medication the doctor pulled the siblings from the room. Mikasa’s hand had found its way into Eren’s since Armin had returned to his bed and was still firmly cemented there; she gave his hand a small squeeze.  
“I know this must be difficult enough for you two already, I understand that he has no remaining family?”  
“We have each other.” It was no surprise that Mikasa had spoken up; Eren hadn’t spoken a word since he had seen Armin on the roof nearly half an hour ago.  
“I understand.” He was silent for a moment, clearly uncomfortable about broaching the subject at hand. “As soon as Armin’s condition has stabilised enough we are going to have to move him to a psychiatric ward.” The doctor’s voice was gentle; there was no easy way to say it. Mikasa’s hand tightened around her brother’s.  
“Isn’t that for crazy people?” Eren spoke up for the first time in a while. “Armin isn’t crazy! He doesn’t belong there! He needs care not to be locked up!” Eren’s voiced was raised in anger, causing the doctor to close his eyes.  
“It’s not safe for him on a normal ward, we don’t have the capabilities to keep an eye on him and stop him from doing something like this again. A psychiatric ward does, it’s not for ‘crazy’ people. Armin is sick and they have the right training to help him, you have to understand this is for his benefit. I promise you that we will help Armin the best we can.” Eren’s gaze found its way to the floor; he was still scowling in anger, but Mikasa’s silence was a sign that he should be too. The girl’s mind was racing, there was so many things that had happened and she was finding it hard to comprehend; but she had to stay strong, not just for Armin, but for Eren as well.  
“Thank you.” She said quietly, squeezing Eren’s hands slightly. The doctor gave her a knowing smile before dismissing himself. They both said goodbye to Armin before heading home, although it was doubtful that either of them would get much sleep, if any. It was going to be rough for all of them, but they were going to pull through it, they always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I can't promise any consistent uploading, but I'm going to try and post at least one chapter a month, I hope that you enjoy reading.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been almost a week since Armin had been admitted and it had been so far uneventful, he kept his head down and his mouth shut, he liked being on the ward less than Eren liked the idea of it. He couldn’t work out what he liked the least, the fact that he hardly had any privacy, the way his meals were monitored, the counselling, or Levi. He let out a quiet sigh, his gaze fixed up at the ceiling; Levi was the overbearing nurse that seemed to put all his efforts into making Armin’s life miserable. The blond rolled onto his side, pulling the blanket up to his chin as the nurse entered the room, despite having his back turned towards him Levi somehow knew that he wasn’t asleep.  
“Armin, I know you’re awake and I know that means you haven’t taken your medication.” A defeated sigh left the blond as he turned to face him, he could swear that the male was physic. “All you need to do is swallow a couple of pills, it can’t be that difficult.” The small man approached him, picking up the glass of water on his side table and holding it out to him.  
Armin turned back to face the wall. The side of the bed dipped, the action was punctuated with a sigh.  
“Look, I know it’s difficult but they really will help. You’ve only slept a few hours since you got here.” His voice had softened a little, Armin curled up a little at his words; he was exhausted, but he didn’t want to, he couldn’t. He would shut his eyes and just lay there for hours. He wanted Eren, he wanted to go home.  
He still didn’t answer, just pulling the blanket up to his chin again and closing his eyes. Levi turned to look at him from his seat on the side of the bed. Armin hadn’t been very talkative since arriving on the ward, only a handful of words having been spoken and only when they had been absolutely necessary.  
“You understand that I will have to tell Dr Smith about this.” Silence continued to fill the room, the only sound being a sigh that signaled that Levi had taken Armin’s silence as an answer. Armin sat up once he was alone and glanced over at the glass, his collection of pills were stashed under his pillow. Once he had enough he knew what he was going to do, it was the only thing he had control over any more. He was surprised that Levi wasn’t more on the ball about his plan; he seemed to be with everything else that he did.

 

* * *

  
The night once again passed without event, and like clockwork, at seven the light was switched back on in the hall causing Armin to pull himself out of the bed and change into his clothes. He pocketed his pills, removing them from prying eyes, before heading to the lounge. He knew it was a bit of a futile effort as he knew that he would just be taken to breakfast eventually, but still he did the same thing he had done every morning. He sat in the corner on the beanbag, he picked the book he had been reading from the small shelf and situated himself hoping that this morning he wouldn’t have to face the food that made his stomach churn.  
He thought that he had hit a stroke of good luck when Dr Erwin Smith rounded the corner and upon spotting Armin called him to his room. He set his book down and followed him to the forest green room, taking a seat in the comfy chair. Dr Smith took his time in shutting the door and taking his seat.  
“Armin.” It was then he knew that it wasn’t a stroke of luck he had received, the doctor always made it known when he wasn’t happy, and yet Armin hadn’t ever heard him raise his voice. “I was informed by Levi that you haven’t been taking your medication?” He left the statement open however the silence and averted gaze made him loose a little hope. He leaned back in his chair, he hadn’t heard so much as a grunt from the blond since the admission process had been completed.  
“The medication is there to help you, I would be willing to consider alternatives if you would talk to me.”  
Armin wasn’t even listening, he was looking past the taller male out the window, there wasn’t much to see yet the blue sky was calming for him; it reminded him of the water. How he yearned to see the ocean again, he hadn’t seen it since his grandfather had passed away three months ago; he curled in on himself, pulling his feet onto the chair, pressing his knees to his chest.  
Erwin ceased his one-sided conversation at Armin’s change in demeanour. This was behaviour he had seen many times in his career.  
“Armin?” He voice softened considerably as he tried to snap the boy out of his daze. Armin’s eyes were a little glazed over as he turned his head back to look at the counsellor; he wiped his eyes with his sleeve, pressing his head to his knees. He vowed to keep silent, he thought that if he didn’t say anything they couldn’t do anything. They weren’t allowed to do anything without his consent, but Armin wasn’t aware that he was classed as not ‘being sound of mind’ so decisions were made ultimately by Eren and Mikasa.  
“Armin? Could you at least explain what you are feeling?” Erwin pushed, trying to get something out of him. However Armin was unwavering in his stubbornness, he was rivalling even Eren at this point. The doctor kept up his efforts for another half an hour until the clock read 7:45 Armin glanced up at the clock as Erwin was about to dismiss him, if he could stall for another fifteen minutes he could avoid breakfast. He quickly weighed up his options.  
“Doctor Smith?” He asked, lifting his head slightly from his knees. Erwin raised an eyebrow at the voice. “When can I go home?”  
The doctor held himself back from letting out a sigh, this was a question he heard too many times but it was always difficult to explain to the patients, most of them didn’t realise they were ill.

 

* * *

  
“The harder you try to quicker the process while go and the sooner you can go home.” Erwin finished with a small smile, it was usually how he finished the spiel, despite that it was usually met with animosity. He glanced up at the clock, “Now Armin, despite breakfast being over I’m going to go and fetch you something from the kitchen, what would you like?” A grimace crossed Armin’s face, his plan hadn’t exactly gone according to plan, in fact it was pretty much the opposite of going to plan. He remained silent; perhaps if he didn’t answer then the doctor would show some sympathy.  
“Toast it is then.” He stood up and left the room, making sure Armin was still situated on the chair as he left the room. Once the door had clicked shut the blond stood up going over to the window at the over side of the room, he pulled at the bottom pane, it was locked, with a defeated sigh he leaned against the glass, the view wasn’t nearly as nice from this close. Instead of the blue sky he could see from the seat most of the view had been replaced with city buildings and traffic. He ignored as the door clicked back open, the room was filled with the nauseating smell of toast just that was enough to make Armin want to hurl. Armin’s stomach churned at the thought that he couldn’t even pawn it off on someone else. He kept his back turned towards the threat even when he heard Dr Smith set the plate down.  
“Armin?” He swallowed deeply, his face paling a little.  
“You are going to have to eat some day, eat the whole thing and you can go.” Armin let out a small sigh before he turned around from the window and looking at the plate. He looked at Erwin briefly; there was no way that he would be able to get out of this one.  
Armin could feel the toast crumbs ripping into the back of his throat as he swallowed his first mouthful. Although Erwin’s eyes weren’t on him he could feel him watching, he couldn’t even leave half of the slice. As he brought the slice back up to his mouth the scent of melted butter hit his nose and bile rose in his throat.  
“I can’t do it!” He told him, the beginning of tears prickling in his eyes as he dropped the slice back down on the plate, he could feel the first bite trying to make its way back up his throat.  
“Armin, this is quite a serious issue.” He told him with a quiet voice, he did sound sympathetic but it wasn’t helping Armin in anyway. He placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder, Armin shrugged his shoulder away, quickly ducking past his hand and out of the room he quickly shut himself in, pressing his back against the door to prevent anyone from entering. Erwin pressed a hand to his forehead; Armin was going to be more difficult than he thought.  
Armin curled up on his bed, tears dripping from his eyes onto the pillow. He was so tired, exhausted. “Pathetic…” He mumbled to himself, “It’s all your fault, you should’ve died, you should be dead.” He pressed his palms against his eyes, trying to keep his crying quiet.

 

* * *

  
_“I really appreciate you taking me to the hospital Mr Jaeger.” Grisha smiled. “I’ve told you before Armin, call me Grisha.”_  
 _There was a small smile from Carla, despite Armin’s disheartened mood caused by his grandfather being so ill Eren’s parent’s never failed to cheer him up a little. He owed them so much, they had been such a big part of his life, even before he and Eren had become friends. They always went out of their way to help him, even though they always denied that it was any trouble. He had been staying at their house since his grandfather had been hospitalised, and that was almost enough to make him tear up out of gratitude._  
 _Armin had been dozing in the backseat of the car, listening to the gentle conversation coming from the front seat. That hospital trip had been the same as the others, despite that he enjoyed any time he got to spend with his Granddad, and the Jaeger’s made the trips all the more frequent. The memories of the rest of that day were hazy, but he could remember what happened next so vividly that it plagued him even when he was awake._  
 _Everything had been quiet and peaceful, pleasant almost. All of a sudden Armin was on his side, his face and arms stinging. As he blinked his eyes open he could see the tarmac just in front of him, glass chips surrounding him. That explained the stinging at least. His head was ringing, but as it started to stop he could hear screaming and sirens. As he lifted his head and unbuckled his seatbelt he could feel a warm, wet liquid that was coating his face and coat. On a closer inspection he discovered it was blood, but there was too much for it to be coming from his cuts, there seemed too much to even be coming from him._  
 _“Mr Jaeger, Mrs Jaeger?” His voice was quiet, but as he called out again he grew louder, as hot tears rolled down his cheeks and mixed with the blood. He could see their backs, and they weren’t moving; they were silent. The front of the car was mangled and crushing them in a gruesome image that imprinted itself on Armin’s mind._ He didn’t remember much else after that, he found out later that the car had been hit by a speeding lorry coming out a junction. Mr and Mrs Jaeger had been killed on impact, while he had been left with minor injuries. While Armin had always suffered from a low self-esteem, it was this, and his grandfather’s death only a few months later that dragged Armin into a deep depression, one that he hadn’t yet managed to pull himself out from, despite the best efforts from his friends.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a warning for a sort of vivid description of self harm towards the end of the chapter.

As much as Eren and Mikasa tried to continue on with their everyday lives, they were both very aware of the missing piece of their trio. Mikasa had woken up one morning, surprised by the lack of the smell of freshly brewed coffee, only to be painfully reminded that Armin wasn’t there to make the coffee for them, and she didn’t know how long it would be until they had him back. While Eren was used to waking up to an empty bed, he wasn’t used to the bed being so cold on Armin’s side, and most mornings he woke up clutching the other’s pillow despite the smell of his shampoo almost none existent now. It had only been a week without the blond and already every day seemed to lack energy.

Eren and Mikasa were sat on the sofa, remnants of the night’s takeaway dinner left on the coffee table in front of them, as they watched some random reality TV show, it wasn’t something that they would normally choose to watch but they both agreed that it would be wrong watching any of their usual shows without the third part of their trio.

“I miss him.” Eren spoke up after several minutes of silence, leaning his head onto his sister’s shoulder. She rested her head on top of his in return. “It feels wrong without him.”

Mikasa let out a small sigh. “Yeah… It feels empty.” It wasn’t just the fact that he wasn’t there, they had both changed their behaviour, they no longer ate at the dining table, instead eating takeout on the sofa, which was something Armin was against unless it was a one of, if he had been there he definitely would’ve scolded the both of them, he was the one that usually cooked, they had quickly discovered that he was the only one that was able to make something that was actually enjoyable outside grilled cheese and French toast, and they had all come to an agreement that Eren was not permitted in the kitchen, there had been one too many incidents for them to risk it again. While Mikasa was able to make edible meals, they just didn’t have the finesse that Armin’s had.

“What if they’re mistreating him? What if they’re making him eat things that he doesn’t like, or not letting him sleep with the light on, or-“ He was cut off by Mikasa as she lifted her head.

“He doesn’t sleep with the light on.” Mikasa’s voice was soft. “He’ll be fine, it might not be Disneyland, but it’s the best place for him at the moment.”

Eren just looked down at his lap, he didn’t want to think about how sick his boyfriend was, he just wanted him back in his arms where he knew that he was safe.

“Eren, I know, I really do, but I want him to be safe, I don’t want to think the worse, but we both know that life isn’t fair.” Eren’s arms snaked around his sister’s waist as he pressed his face into her shoulder.

“I just wish that he hadn’t gotten sick, I hate that he can’t be here with us. I just want him to get better.”  Mikasa pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head.

“He will, don’t worry, he will get better. We can go see him in a couple of days, remember. Just look forward to it.” She said with a small smile, trying to reassure him. Eren responded with a small nod of his head, lifting it so that he could look over at the calendar that they had pinned up on the wall, there was a date circled in a blue sparkly pen, Armin’s pen that he used to use to write small notes about important things on the calendar. Eren smiled slightly, at least they had that to look forward to. Two more days and then he would get to see him again. He still couldn’t help but worry about his friend though, the concern that they weren’t treating him right in the hospital nagging at the back of his brain. 

 

* * *

 

Armin wasn’t disturbed until it was time for lunch, the door pushed gently against his back nudging him awake. Armin let out a very small murmur as he blinked his eyes awake, he hadn’t even realised that he had fallen asleep.

“Armin?” A quiet voice came around the door as Armin stretched out his legs, the numbness quickly being replaced by the feeling of static as he stood up to pull open the door. He was met by a freckled face that he recognised as Marco. Armin generally kept to himself and hadn’t really talked to anyone outside of Dr Smith and Levi, he didn’t see any need to. Despite that, he was observant and had managed to pick up some of the names of the other ‘inmates’. He had lovingly dubbed all of the patients in the ward this, including himself, as every day that he spend here the more he thought he felt like he was being imprisoned.

“Doctor Smith sent me to fetch you for lunch.” He told him with a soft smile. Armin looked down at his feet as he waited for Marco to stand aside. He couldn’t skip lunch after this morning’s debacle, he would surely get himself in even more trouble if he tried.

During mealtimes Armin had taken up a table that was set a little away from the others, he sat alone and it usually resulted in him doing his best to finding hiding places for pieces of food. He usually did quite well and hadn’t eaten much more since being here than he had before. As he was about to take his usual seat, his nose wrinkled at the sight of the bowl of soup and yet more toast on his tray, he looked up as he heard his name being called. He was about to ignore it, when he caught the warning glance Erwin was throwing him from across the room and before he could convince himself otherwise he had sat himself across from Marco and another that he recognised as Jean.

He folded one leg underneath himself, stirring the spoon around in the bowl as he stared down at it. The tomato spoon was coating the blue plastic and turning it a sickening shade of brown. Armin swallowed heavily as he looked down at it; his concentration was broken again by the same voice.

 “Hey, Armin?” The blond looked up at the sound of his name, “Not all the food here is great but the soup’s pretty good, goes down nicely.” He told him with an understanding smile. Armin didn’t say anything, his eyebrows furrowing a little at his comment. He looked back down at the tomato soup for a few seconds, before scooping up a spoonful and putting it in his mouth. It was luke warm and pretty bland but he swallowed it; the urge to reject it not coming instantly. It was followed by another spoonful, another following steadily until the bowl was empty. He surprised even himself at the sight of the empty bowl. His stomach felt almost painfully full as he took a drink of water, but the look on Marco’s face, which he could only really describe as proud, made him want to keep it down. He pushed the tray forward slightly, there was no way that he would even attempt the slice of toast, he had never really even enjoyed toast to begin with. He had been so hungry and he hadn’t even realised.

“Thanks.” He said quietly, with a slight smile which honestly surprised Marco.

“It’s no problem…you can talk to me if you ever need it.” He told him and it made Armin feel a little easier for the first time since arriving here. He gave his head a small nod, taking the time to glance up at where Dr Smith had been stood, only to be given an approving smile.

“Do you have anyone coming to visit you on Wednesday?” It was Jean that spoke up this time, snapping Armin’s attention back to the table in time to catch Marco giving him a warning look.

He gave a nod of his head. “I think my…” He hesitated slightly, “Eren and Mikasa will be coming.” He said, looking down at his lap for a few seconds. He had gone to call Eren his boyfriend, but he wasn’t sure that was the right phrase anymore. They hadn’t really discussed it, or anything really since Armin had taken a quick drop in his health.

“What about you?” He asked in return, not wanting the others to dwell on his hesitation, thankfully Marco took the hint and quickly answered him, leading him to lead the conversation with talk of his family, Jean telling the blond about his parents. Armin listened, thankful that either of them seemed to mind that he wasn’t feeling very talkative. In fact it was quite nice to have someone to listen to. They ended up sitting there for a while, Armin listening as they (mainly Jean, with Marco jumping in occasionally to correct him) talk about their time together in high school. It made his heart ache when he thought about Eren, he did miss him, but thinking about him was very bittersweet. The conversation only stopped when Marco looked up at the clock and gave Jean a nudge.

“It’s 2 o’clock, you ought to go before Erwin scolds you again.” Marco said with a small smile. Once Jean had headed off towards the office Marco turned back to Armin.

“You ought to go and take a nap…if you want to that is, you look tired.” He said, in a tone that didn’t make Armin feel as though he was being pressured into it, and tired was an understatement. He was exhausted and Marco calling out that fact just brought it to the forefront of his mind.

“Thanks, really.” Armin said with another small smile. Even if he didn’t go and nap, Marco was giving him an excuse to leave, as he wasn’t really the most sociable at the best of times, especially not now and Marco had picked up on that.

 

* * *

 

Before it was time for dinner one of the nurses sought him out. He had taken one of the books back to his room, something he wasn’t really supposed to do, and his first thought was that she was coming to scold him. The reality was worse, it took him a couple of seconds but once he noticed the bandages and disinfectant in his hands he felt his stomach drop. He lost his page as the book closed in favour of pulling the sleeves of his itchy, hospital-issued sweater.

“Armin? I’m Petra, I’m here to change your bandages.” She was pretty, neat auburn hair and a bright smile on her face, but that just made things worse. The first time he had had them changed Levi had done it after he had taken his meds, meaning that he had been half comatose at the time and couldn’t remember any of it. Armin couldn’t bear the thought of having to look at the damage he had done to himself.

“Can’t Levi do it later?” He asked, more than a little hopeful that the answer would be yes.

“I’m sorry, but it’s an instruction from Doctor Smith.” She told him, setting the materials down on the bed, her smile taking on an apologetic look. “I have to make sure that there’s no sign of infection.” She stood next to the bed, giving Armin plenty of room to get up, while making sure that he didn’t feel crowded. Armin, however, didn’t get up, instead staying seated in the corner.

“Please don’t make this difficult, I’ll have to go and fetch Doctor Smith if you do.” It didn’t come out like a warning, but Armin knew that’s what it was. Erwin had been keeping a close eye on him since he arrived. He would be happy with his ‘progress’ and might leave him alone, at least more than he was now.

Armin didn’t say anything as he got up and seated himself on the bed. Petra’s smile shifted once again. He tugged the sweater over his head, letting it land in a heap on the floor. The bandages covered his forearms and he could only dread what the skin underneath looked like.

Petra was gentle as she took his hand and started to remove them, Armin’s head turned and his eyes closed. He winced as the air stung his wounds and he allowed himself a look. It was only brief, but it was long enough. His arm was a mess, the gashes ran both up and along his arm, creating a gory criss-cross. The marks were red and angry, even with the stitches that held his skin together.  It was enough to make him feel nauseous, to make the burning disinfectant feel like a relief, to feel disserved. He didn’t have to look at his other arm to know that it was the same horrible sight that awaited him.

“It all looks nice and clean.” Petra said as she was finishing up by securing the bandages with tape. “The stitches will be able to come out next week at the latest.” She made it sound like a good thing, which it wasn’t. Once the stitches were out, it would only be a few more days until the bandages came off, and then he wouldn’t be able to hide his arms anymore.

“Scars fade, and even when they don’t they can serve as a good reminder that the hard times have passed.” She was trying to make things sound positive, but it just made him feel worse. The scars were always going to be there, for the rest of his life. He scowled as he reached for his sweater, pulling it back on.

“Things will look up eventually Armin.” She said before she left, Armin turning to watch her leave, what did she know anyway? She sounded like everyone else who thought they knew best and were trying to help.


	4. Chapter 4

Armin spent a lot of time looking out of windows, it was a past time he’d always had, even from being a small child. One of his earliest memories was of his first house, he must’ve been four or five at the time, but he remembers sitting with his mum in the big bay window in the master bedroom and watching his dad mowing the back lawn. It was a memory that he treasured, he recalled it so often that whenever he did it was so vivid that he could smell the freshly cut grass and feel the soft breeze in his hair. There was just something about the outside that relaxed him. However since being hospitalized Armin didn’t enjoy looking out of windows nearly as much. It was all traffic and noise and grey. The only bit of green Armin could spot out of any of the windows was actually from the window in the office. There was a small balcony garden in one of the blocks of flats adjacent to the hospital, and the only way you could see it was if you pressed your cheek to the glass but even that made Armin feel homesick. It was stupid, but Eren had bought him a small spider plant for his birthday a couple of years ago and it was in their bedroom window, he had re-potted it four times and the sprouts it had produced, leaving several of the spider plants in various places around the apartment, he hoped that Eren, though more likely Mikasa, was remembering to water them.

“Armin.” The blond turned to look at the doctor, having been staring out of the window. There was a slight hint of annoyance in his voice; however he was very good at hiding it. “Are you listening?” Armin averted his eyes once again, fixing them on the hourglass on his desk; he hadn’t listened to even a single word.

“Levi told me that you haven’t been taking your medication.” Armin felt his stomach drop a little, but he tried not to let it show by keeping his eyes on his reflection in the curved glass. It was distorted and stretched him out. “Now, if you haven’t been taking it, I want to know what you’ve done with it.” His stomach dropped further and he felt the tips of his ears heat up. Eren always used to say it was cute how much of a bad liar he was, he couldn’t even keep things even when he didn’t open his mouth, he was cursing it now, and hoped that his hair was enough to cover the colour.

“Armin, I’m not messing around here, if you don’t either tell me where they are, or hand them over to me I’m going to have to search your room, or place you on a 24 hour watch. You’re here for your own safety and I can’t let anything happen to you, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

As Armin sunk further into his chair, the blue sky seemed further away than ever before. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater of his hands, shifting his eyes ever so slightly to the pot of pencils that sat next to the hourglass on the desk.

“I know that it’s hard for you to be here, but I thought you were making progress.” Armin scowled ever so slightly, that seemed to be his favourite word, and he always found a way to put it into a conversation. A sigh escaped Erwin and Armin looked up as he was closing his eyes, probably counting to ten or doing some other calming technique. Armin wasn’t sure what was worse, the anxiety from having the pills in his pocket, or the anxiety from the thought of being on 24 hour watch. He was feeling physically nauseous once again; it seemed to be happening more and more with every passing day.

“Armin, I can’t work to help you if you give me nothing to work with.” He sounded tired; it was at the end of the day after all. Armin felt his face heat up, before he felt the prickle of tears in his eyes. Eren always said that he was easy to read. He scooped the pills out of his pocket and dropped them onto the table; they made a small pitter patter sound as the bounced on the wood, some falling to the floor. He was useless, he really was, everyone seemed tired of him.

Erwin smiled slightly, though it wasn’t warm. It seemed forced and tired and Armin didn’t know how many more of those looks he could take. It was the same look that Mikasa had given him before when she had come home from university to find that he had spent all day in bed. It was the same look that Eren gave him when he woke him up in the middle of the night after he had been screaming in his sleep. It had been the same look the Jaegers had given him after they had first found out his grandfather was ill. It was the same look Petra had given him, and it made him feel pathetic and useless, just like he was.

“Well done, I know that you won’t like it, but I’m going to have Levi confiscate any pills that you don’t take, so he’s going to watch you take them.” He didn’t sound particularly happy about that himself, but Armin wasn’t even listening. He was concentrating on the swirling that was going on in his stomach and trying to stop its contents from coming up.

“Armin?” His face was pale, yet he felt flushed. His chest was constricting and he vaguely wondered if he was having a heart attack, if he was going to die.

“Armin? Are you okay?” The doctor’s voice sounded murky, like he was laid in a bathtub, he couldn’t breathe, no matter how many gasping breaths he took. He couldn’t have spoken even if he had wanted to.

He could feel the hot tears rolling down his cheeks as he gasped desperately, feeling like he was suffocating, like he was dying, but it wasn’t nice, he was trembling and everything was so hazy that he couldn’t even hear what Erwin was saying to him, despite him being knelt right in front of him. He didn’t remember that happening, he couldn’t remember vomiting either, but there was the rubbish bin being held in his lap while the smell assaulted his nose and the residue stung his throat and left a nasty taste in his mouth. His hands were shaking as he felt a gentle hand rubbing his back.

“Take deep breaths, you’re okay.” When Armin looked up he expected Eren to be the one knelt in front of him, to meet those soft green eyes and the worried expression that turned into the gentle smile that was reserved just for him. It was Erwin that was the one comforting him though, he was the one that set the bin down and handed him a wad of tissues from the box off his desk.

“Keep taking deep breaths, that’s right. You’ve just had an anxiety attack, but you’re okay, you’re safe here.” Armin’s chest still felt tight even after he started to breathe normally again, his tears were burning his eyes and they felt almost sticky as they ran down his cheeks and dripping onto his thighs. It certainly wasn’t the first time he’d had an attack like this, but it felt a lot harder to calm himself down without Eren, and even now his hands were still trembling. He gave a nod of his head, just to show Erwin that he was okay, but he really wasn’t okay. He didn’t even think that he would ever be okay again.

Armin looked down at his lap, only to realise that it wasn’t just his hands that were trembling, his whole body was shaking like a leaf. He’d had anxiety attacks before, not many this severe, and not many without Eren. He wiped at his face with the cuff of the sweater, though the tears didn’t seem as though they would cease anytime soon.

“Here.” Erwin’s voice was soft as he held out the plastic cup, the water inside was cold and he could feel it going down his throat and chilling the inside of his chest as he drank. He used a tissue that was passed to him to blow his nose. It took a couple of minutes of soft words and multiple tissues before Armin was relatively composed again.

Erwin kept the rest of what he had to say brief, and Armin didn’t pay much attention to it, instead swirling the last bit of water in the cup around and around. He was dismissed a few minutes later, his face blotchy and his hands still shaky. He went straight to his room, where he curled up on top of the sheets. He was tired, exhausted even, and yet his mind was still racing with thoughts that seemed increasingly unimportant. Everything seemed unimportant, and yet the most important thing at the same time. He couldn’t stop his thoughts from drifting back to Eren, the sight of his messy hair and his bright eyes, and the stupid grin that Armin loved so much. The way he would stir and wish Armin a half-asleep ‘good morning’ as he got up, only to roll over and fall straight back to sleep. However he also couldn’t erase the heart-breaking look on Eren’s face as he stood on the edge of the roof, or how exhausted he would look after spending all night up with him after a nightmare. The worst was how his face had looked when he had woken up in the hospital room. He deserved someone much better than him, someone who wasn’t so dependant, that gave him the love and affection he deserved, someone who wasn’t locked up for being crazy.

 

* * *

 

 

“What about this shirt?”  Eren was holding up another one of his shirts.

“Eren, he’s not going to care what shirt you’re wearing as long as it’s clean.” Eren let out a small sigh, dropping the shirt on the growing pile. “But, if you’re really fussed you could wear the green one that he bought for you.” Mikasa offered, looking back at her laptop. Eren’s face lit up slightly as he reached for the shirt, it was soft from the amount of times it had been washed. Armin said it brought out the colour of his eyes and the faint freckles that appeared if he forget to wear sunscreen. When Armin couldn’t sleep he used to count the marks, usually falling asleep before he could finish and Eren would just watch the peaceful expression on his face until he fell asleep too.

“Why don’t we make some banana bread? I’m sure he’d like it.” Mikasa suggested, her eyes not leaving the screen. Eren turned to her with a grin.

“Yeah! That’s a great idea, he loves banana bread.” Eren said with bright eyes. “Would he be allowed to have it though?” Eren asked, his face having fallen a little. Mikasa looked over at him with a smile.

“It’s fine, I’ve been emailing the doctor whose looking after him, it’s fine as long as it doesn’t have any peanuts.” Eren’s grin was quick to reappear.

“Let’s go then! We have to have it ready for tomorrow!” He said, leaving the shirt hanging in his closet as he went to the kitchen, filled with a new found energy, the anxiety over the upcoming visit transferred into something more productive instead. Mikasa’s smile grew slightly as she turned the laptop off, leaving it on the bed as she went to join Eren in the kitchen before he did something stupid.

Several hours and three attempts later, the perfect banana bread sat cooling on the counter, the first attempt half eaten, the second in the bin.

“I can’t wait to see him.” Eren said through a mouthful of moist goodness. The first attempt had been almost perfect, save for one corner where it had started to catch, but Eren had insisted that it had to be perfect if it were going to Armin. Mikasa wasn’t going to complain, she nodded her head in agreement, swallowing her mouthful before speaking up.

“It’s going to be good.” She said with a happy smile, leaning against her brother. They watched films until the both of them fell asleep, excited for the events that were to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided that I'm going to try to post twice a month, however I can't promise more than one chapter a month as my life is going to be getting busy. I have my final exams coming up and I've just started a new job so I apologise if the updates come slowly.

**Author's Note:**

> If there's any spelling/grammar errors please let me know!


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